and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
