dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
It's Friday. Sex?
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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