i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Randomize
