I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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