I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
