Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
