How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
