i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
