I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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