mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
