my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
