I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
