Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
