oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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