Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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