operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
