I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
