We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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