I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
