Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
