im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
