Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
