We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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