and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Randomize
