The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
