Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
