I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
