I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
