I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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