let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
