i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
