i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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