i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
