And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
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