between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
