woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
you inspire me to be a worse person
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
