Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
