You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
