If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Is Oprah even human
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
