I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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