I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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