By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
