I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
