we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
