finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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