i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
