Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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