turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
