you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
