I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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